In episode 104 of the podcast Bioethics on Air, “Bearing the Cross of Infertility,” Joe Zalot interviews Dr. Marie Meaney on the topic of infertility. Meaney holds graduate degrees in languages and philosophy, but it is her experience as a mother that matters for the topic. Throughout the interview, she elaborates on the unique frustration of infertility, which sits at the intersection between theological discussion and existential revelation. Meaney speaks candidly about the experiences with infertility that inspired her to write the book When Expecting Doesn’t Happen: Turning Infertility into a Journey of Hope, which the listener will welcome, because a frank discussion is sorely needed for the topic of infertility.

Beginning shortly after her marriage in 2000, she and her husband experienced significant difficulty conceiving a child. Many conversations with her husband and visits with her doctors were spent to “figure out … what was actually going on.” Out of her frustration emerged an epiphany of sorts. First, she was not alone in her struggles. Second, there needed to be a better guidebook for couples struggling with this special burden.

Throughout the world, many couples desperately seek to navigate the crossroads between faith and infertility. How are they to interpret their experience? Meaney asked herself many questions of this nature. Strikingly, Meaney connected authentic courage with honest mourning. Because we lack a general societal awareness of the scope and ubiquity of infertility, we tend to hide our feelings and do not speak openly about it in a proper way. It is pressing, then, that we speak frankly about this pain to figure out how best to respond to it.

Once infertility is acknowledged, faith has an essential role to play in our understanding of it as a unique beam of the cross that many must learn how to bear. Meaney recognizes that if she shuns it, it will devour her, because it is a pain born from a vocation that calls for children. The disparity between the call and the inability to meet the call feels, as she describes it, “stunting” for many. Thankfully, faith can save us from succumbing to this terrible feeling. Faith aids those suffering in this unique way. Each couple is called to accept their infertility precisely in the present moment and let God choose whether they conceive in the future. Simply put, to endure requires acceptance. Meaney has touched upon a poignant yet uplifting truth when she says that the pain of infertility can have redemptive meaning only in the context of the present moment. We must not look too far ahead, she explains, to see only a lifetime without children. Conversely, couples should not refuse to face their infertility. Both responses would crush anyone, because they would effectively be increasing the weight of this cross.

Moreover, facing away from infertility gives rise to the pitfalls of reproductive technology, most notably in vitro fertilization (IVF). Although born from the desire for children, this technology originates from a refusal to face pain, and it can never be the happy solution many couples hope it to be: “Couples who try to escape the pain of infertility through [IVF]”, she laments, “are simply shifting their suffering onto their child.” According to Meaney, for example, many children born of IVF suffer from the knowledge of how they were conceived. And we do not know the nature of the damage this knowledge does. Her criticism offers a refreshing supplement to the standard theological and philosophical arguments against IVF and related reproductive technologies by introducing the listener to an emerging approach worth investigating. It was unfortunate that more could not be said during the interview.

Suffering, Meaney explains, can loom even for those who have had a child but are having difficulty conceiving again. In her words, “The pain of secondary infertility is real.” The topic was something I had not thought about before, and it was enlightening to listen to her elaborate on the experience. Sadly, family and friends will often speak to the couple as if the mere fact of having a child suffices to ameliorate any further feelings of pain and frustration. Although these people have loving intentions, they are incorrect precisely because they fail to recognize the deep-rootedness of the desire for children. This desire holds strong even for those who have conceived a child.

Overall, the scope and ubiquity of infertility make this interview relevant for our times. Infertility is self-evidently a problem that cannot be neatly solved. Meaney wisely situates her understanding of it in the context of faith. It is my hope that someone will be inspired by Meaney and her experience to expand upon our current philosophical and theological treatments.

Colten Maertens-Pizzo works for the Archdiocese of Chicago Catholic School System.

Pain of Infertility Must Be Faced in the Moment